health-politics.com - thejeannescottletter, update no. 333

JEANNE SCOTT MATTHEW’S ONE AND ONLY, ORIGINAL, ALMOST NEVER TO HAVE BEEN HEARD BEFORE, COLLECTION OF STORIES, LEGENDS, JOKES AND TALL TALES ABOUT LAWYERS INCLUDING PERSONAL ANECDOTES, LIES AND OTHER FIGMENTS OF HER IMAGINATION

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Woe unto you, Lawyers!

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.

A new lawyer, a woman, joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say ‘yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.

She smiled, and said, “Good, then I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.” She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be trying to show them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week She was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, “That’s easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.” Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, “But what if it’s pointed straight up in the air?”

Now this "lady golfer" story occasioned me to post ALL my lawyer golfer (and a couple of priest golfer) stories from my collection

My favorite is about the doctor, the lawyer and the priest who go to play golf. Another group is ahead of them, and they are simply terrible. They bump into things, hit the ball in the wrong direction, etc., etc. Eventually all three of the professional party are making horrible comments about them, clearly in the hearing of this maladept group.

They finally finish and get back to the clubhouse where they complain to the pro about this horrible group ahead of them. The pro smiles. “Didn't you know?” he asks. “Those people are terrific. How many others do you know could have a handicap like blindness and still enjoy playing golf?”

The priest is stricken. “Oh, I never realized,” he mourns. “I feel like such a heel. I said some terrible things. Do me a favor. Put a box of golf balls for each of them on my tab with my apologies.”

The doctor is also pale. “It never occurred to me, and it should have,” he says. “Tell them each to have a terrific dinner at the clubhouse and put it on my tab.”

“For crying out loud!” exclaims the lawyer. “Couldn't you have scheduled them to play at night?”

A foursome of lawyers was about to tee off on the golf course when one of them felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first lawyer angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." Each of the lawyers then teed off and got in their cart to finish the hole.

Just as the first of the lawyers was about to hit his second shot he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

A lawyer takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit - 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit - 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit - Lucky frog."

The lawyer decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the lawyer asks. "Ribbit - 3 wood." The barrister takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The lawyer is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, he has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit - Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the lawyer says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit -Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the lawyer asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit -$3000, black 6." Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the lawyer figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The lawyer takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit - Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

Two lawyers were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the lawyers on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one lawyer said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second lawyer walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."

The aging senior partner had taken the young associate under his arm and was trying his best to "mentor" him on the ins and outs of success in the legal business. Essential to their practice was to be able to play a good game of golf. So it was that the partner decided to introduce his young protégé to the firm's country club.

The young man was a natural athlete and soon was impressing his senior mentor with shot after shot – so much so that that he was in danger of embarrassing his boss. But on the ninth hole he found his drive firmly planted just behind a large pine tree blocking his line to the green. After a minute or so of debating just how to play his shot, the old lawyer finally said to him, "You know when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster lined up his shot, swung hard, hit the ball . . . smack into the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old lawyer offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

This doesn't involve a lawyer per se (that's legalese) but since I am married to a minister and know lots and lots of golfing priests, I couldn't resist adding it to the collection:

An Irish golfer wasn't very good at the game, which he found pretty frustrating. Then, one day, a leprechaun appeared and said, "I'll help you become a greater golfer, but every time you do, you'll have to give up part of your sex life." The golfer agreed.

"Firstly, it's time you sank a ball in par," said the leprechaun, "and the cost is one week of celibacy." So off the golfer drove and with four shots he had his ball in the hole.

They met again in a month's time and the wee feller said he'd decided it was time for the golfer to achieve a birdie. "But the penalty would be eight weeks of celibacy." He teed up with considerable enthusiasm and, three shots later, the ball was in the hole.

It was some months later until they met again. The leprechaun said, "Today, a hole in one. But you'll have to give up screwing for a year."

"A hole in one is every golfer's dream," said the golfer. He drove off and straight into the hole went the ball.

"I'll have to leave you now," said the leprechaun, "but for the record, what's your name?"

There is this attorney who is an avid golfer. While he is on the 14th tee with two fellow club-hounds addressing the ball, he observes a funeral procession traveling on the street that runs along the 14th fairway. He immediately stops what he is doing, puts his head down, and clasps his hands in front of him. When the procession passes he again addresses the ball. His buddies immediately question his actions noting that, being an attorney, they had no idea he was such a kind and empathetic person. He responded, "it's the least I can do, I was married to her for 17 years!"

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

A man goes to confession, sits down and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What was your sin, my son?" the priest asked.
"Obscene language," the man replied.
"That's a terrible sin," the priest replied. "Do you swear often?"
"No," answered the man, "but do you know the local golf course?"
"Indeed I do," said the priest.
"I play there often. When I was on the tee at the fourth hole, the long par four, I hit one of the best drives of my life. It must have gone 220 yards on the fly, straight down the middle, took one bounce, and then hit a sprinkler head and bounced off into the bush."
"I'm not surprised that you swore," said the priest, "If that had happened to me..."
"No, I didn't swear then.
The shot I had hit was a great one and the bounce was just the luck of the game. When I checked the position of my ball, I realized that I still had a chance of making par. The ball was on a hardpan lie, and there was a small gap through the trees for me to have a shot at the green. I really should have taken the safe option and just played out sideways to the fairway, but I had hit such a great drive that my confidence was high."
The man continued, "I was still about 200 yards from the green, so I took a five wood from the bag, positioned the ball back in my stance to keep it low and hopefully get under the trees, told myself to forget about all the hazards and just imagine the ball on the green, and played the shot. Even using the wood, I nipped the ball perfectly off the hard lie, the ball kept low as I planned, and flew straight as a die toward the green, took one bounce onto the green, hit the flagstick and bounced off sideways into that deep pot bunker to the right of the green."
"My son, my son," said the priest; "I'm ready to forgive you already. That would have made a saint swear."
"No father," said the man, "I didn't swear then. I realized that I had just played two perfect shots and only bad luck had stopped me from getting the result I deserved. When I saw my ball, I thought that all my hopes of making par had disappeared. It was lying right against the face of a five-foot deep bunker with very little green to work with, and I really should have gone out sideways, but after the two good shots, I was feeling confident. I took my sand iron out, opened the clubface fully, aimed the ball about six feet left of the pin and played the shot. The ball popped almost straight up in the air, landed on the green, and the spin on the ball dragged it back to four inches from the pin."
"F#?!ing hell!" said the priest, "Don't tell me you missed a four-inch putt!"

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain’t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids..I just don’t get it.”

“Down at ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot of that law firm.”

“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the crap out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there ain’t nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase.”

1. A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he’s right;

2. A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself;

3. A man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes;

11. A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics;

You Might Be A Lawyer If....

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your husband says "I love you," you cross-examine him.

(1) “Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?”

(2) “Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?”

But on the other hand, due to professional courtesy, rats and lawyers work very well together. One problem though -- No one has been able to extrapolate the test results from lawyers to human beings.

(5) “What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway?”

(6) “What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?”

“He who has himself for an attorney has a fool for a client.” -- Anonymous

“Lawyers never lie . . . they just tell the truth judiciously.” -- Anonymous

“America is the only country in the world where the court lets the prisoner go home and locks up the jury.” -- Anonymous

"Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession." -- Anonymous

"If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be my lawyer's." -- Anonymous

“A More Feminine Practice of Law”

. . . and a True Story

Evidence that I am growing older, but hopefully more experienced in the practice of law, came to me one day when I found myself appearing in federal district court to argue against a young female attorney who had spent her first two years as an associate in my small law office. Later, she had left to join a large big city law firm, but we had maintained close ties. It was to be her very first solo courtroom argument and she was naturally quite nervous, especially in coming up against her former mentor and an experienced “old hand” such as myself.

Without compromising my client's position, I tried to reassure her that her written briefs were excellent and that she had a strong legal case from which to formulate her argument. “You will do a wonderful job,” I assured her -- [After all I was responsible for much of her training.]

And a wonderful job she did -- although sitting near her during her argument I could detect the telltale signs of a slightly trembling lectern and a warble in her voice when the judge asked her a few pointed questions. Finally, the argument was completed. The judge left the bench as we stood at our tables. I turned to her and affectionately put out my arms and we embraced. As we were still holding each other we both noticed that the judge had re-entered the courtroom, minus his robes and without the bailiff's fanfare. He walked silently to the back of the courtroom.

Opposing counsel and I quickly packed our briefcases and beat a hasty retreat to the hallway. While waiting for the elevator, we were joined by the judge and his clerk. We found ourselves riding eight floors to the courthouse lobby in awkward silence. Just as the elevator doors were about to part, the judge turned to both of us and remarked.

“You know, I've been on the bench for eighteen years and I've seen attorneys almost come to blows -- but that's the first time I've seen opposing counsel hug one another!”

Postscript -- My young opponent won her case.

Having practiced for several years in small towns around central Michigan and then later in that seedbed for lawyer story-telling, the Piedmont region of North Carolina, I've heard many variations on the same story told of the local trial lawyer who had made himself personally very rich while becoming notorious in the neighboring communities for his prowess in the courtroom and for his many, sometimes highly questionable, legal maneuvers during negotiations and contracting. Following his death, a portrait of the great attorney was commissioned to hang prominently in the county courthouse where many of his famous legal battles had been fought.

Came the great day for the portrait unveiling and citizens from far and wide made their way to town for the speechmaking and ceremonies. Afterwards, one old farmer was seen staring quizzically at the portrait, which portrayed the great litigator in his most oratorically stunning pose, right hand raised as if to make an important point of law and left hand tucked stridently in his waistcoat pocket.

The old farmer was heard to mumble as he turned away, "Good likeness, but he usually had his hand stuck in someone else's pocket!"

Here Lies a Lawyer

Overheard Comment: "How do you like that! Now they're putting them two in a grave."

A farmer is visiting the city for the first time when he sees a funeral procession, and asks somebody who it's for. He shows surprise on hearing that the deceased was a lawyer: "You mean you bury lawyers here?" "Well, sure. Don't you?" "No, we don't. When a lawyer dies, we just leave the body in an empty room overnight, and the morning there's nothing left but a smell of brimstone."

Attorney Joe Smith was run over by a truck and killed in his haste to an accident over the weekend. This created great sadness for his secretary, whom he had been providing bonuses for over the years.

The first call came from Mr. Daring who had scheduled a lunch meeting. The secretary wept on the phone and informed him of Mr. Smith's misfortune and that the funeral was on Wednesday.

The next call came 15 minutes later from an unidentified caller who stated that a man had a serious paralysis following a slip in the lobby of a local IBM branch. The secretary still upset, wept and informed the man that Mr. Smith had been hit by a truck over the weekend and did not survive. The funeral was on Wednesday.

The following call came ten minutes later, and through her tears she believed she recognized the voice of the man asking for an appointment. She asked if hadn't just called, and didn't he realize Mr. Smith had died....

Another lawyer, Bob Strange by name, stipulated in his will that he wanted his headstone to read, “Here lies an honest lawyer.”

When his son asked why, the lawyer said, “So everyone will know who is buried there.”

What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?”

The multi-billionaire was lying on his deathbed, there was little more his doctors could do for him but prepare him for the end. So it was that they were surprised when he asked that a certain lawyer be brought to his bedside. The crusty old billionaire HATED lawyers. He blamed lawyers for all of the bad things that had happened to him and his businesses and he railed against them constantly. The particular lawyer he asked for had been one of his worst antagonists during his life.

When the lawyer arrived the old man dismissed all of his retainers and asked to be alone with his former adversary. With his remaining strength he pulled the lawyer down next to him and in a barely audible whisper said,

“Remember years ago when you were trying to aggravate me, you said that for enough money, I could buy a law degree and get myself admitted to the Bar?”

“Well,” the curmudgeonly capitalist said, I want you to do it. I don't care how much money it costs, I want you to make me a lawyer.”

Confused, the lawyer nonetheless set out to accomplish the old man’s dying request and within a matter of hours the deed was. It cost nearly a million dollars, but the billionaire had his law degree and was admitted to the Bar.

Now as he lay in waning moments, his physicians and retainers gathered around him, one of them came up and said,

“We don't understand, why after all of these years of despising lawyers, after all these years of fighting them and tearing them down as predators and leeches, why after all this -- would you want to become a lawyer yourself?”

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge,

"Your honor, my client has produced receipts for, first, the high speed modem."

"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature."

"Secondly, your honor," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed CD-Rom."

"Yes your honor, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related. Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly your honor, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

AXIOMS

Between all the pigeons and the lawyers, it's hard to keep the courthouse clean.

Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

The patent attorney turned from his office window with the invention in his hand and complained to the inventor: "Death ray my ass, it hardly slowed them down!"

A lawyer and a doctor were arguing about the relative merits of their professions.

"I don't really think," said the physician, "that all lawyers are thieves. But you must admit that your profession doesn't make angels of humankind."

A lawyer brought his wife to the doctor, complaining she wasn't her usual self, depressed and listless. The doctor took her to his office. When he came out he said to the husband, "All your wife needs is this." And he grabbed the woman, felt her all over, hugged and kissed her. "She needs this twice a week." The husband thought a while and then said, "Well, OK, I guess I can bring her in on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A doctor, a priest and a lawyer walk into a pub together. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender is handing them over, three flies swoop down, and each lands in a beer. With disgust, the doctor pushes his pint away and demands another. The priest reaches into his beer, removes the fly, shrugs his shoulders and takes a long swallow. The lawyer reaches into his glass, pinches the fly between two fingers, shakes the fly hard while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Oh, no!" cried the lab technician. "Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"

Two doctors were discussing a case in the psych ward. The first doc asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient. The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odor he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it." The first doc asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?" The second medico answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!"

During cross-examination of a coroner at a murder trial, the defense attorney asked, "Did you take the victim's pulse before you pronounced him dead?"

Defense Attorney: "So you didn’t make any of the usual tests to be sure the man was dead?"

Coroner: "Look at it this way: All I had to examine was a brain in a jar, but for all I know, he may still be out there somewhere practicing law."

Overheard at a physician's office: "The doctor is in the courtroom on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

A minister, a doctor and a lawyer wound up at the pearly gates. The minister was the first to arrive, St. Peter asked him why he was there, "Why should you come into heaven? ... How have you come to deserve this?" ... "Well," answered the man of God, "I am a minister, I have watched over the souls God has entrusted to me and I have cared for them in times of sadness and pain and I have celebrated with them in times of joy...." St. Peter was truly impressed, "But have you no sins, no adultery?" he asked... "Of course not, I am an MINISTER" ... "Well then", said St. Peter, "welcome to heaven, take this brand new Mercedes, drive the heavenly highway and good fortune to you."....

The second to arrive was the doctor, St. Peter asked him why he was there, "Why should you come into heaven? .... How have you come to deserve this?".... "I am a physician," answered the good doctor, "I save the dying, I heal the sick, and those I can not save or heal... I help to die with dignity.".... St. Peter was truly impressed, "But have you no sins, no adultery?".... "Well, I am a PHYSICIAN and so, I am sometimes exposed to temptation and I must admit I have strayed on three occasions," answered the doctor. "Well then", said St. Peter, "the good outweighs the bad acts of your life; welcome to heaven, take this brand new Buick, drive the heavenly highway and good fortune to you."....

Finally the attorney arrived, St. Peter asked him why he was there, "Why should you come into heaven? .... How have you come to deserve this?"... "Well I am an ATTORNEY," said the barrister,"... and I try to help people in times of need. I've been an advocate for their liberties and their freedoms and I have always tried to speak out against injustice".... St. Peter was truly impressed, "But have you no sins, no adultery?".... "Yeah, you bet, every chance I got," answered the lawyer. .... "Well then," said St. Peter, " the good in your live barely outweighs the bad acts of your life -- but even so you are welcome to heaven, take this late model VW, drive the heavenly highway and good fortune to you"....

The attorney was driving along when he suddenly overtook the Buick, which was pulled to the side of the road...the lawyer got out yelling, “Everybody OK, what happened, anybody need a lawyer? Accident? We’ll sue the b***rds!" But he found the physician lying on the front seat of the car, crying his eyes out. "Pull yourself together man, what is wrong with you?" said the attorney.” The physician looked up and through tear-filled eyes said, "Well you know the system around here.".... the lawyer nodded yes, "Well", continued the physician, "I just saw my wife -- she was on a skateboard"......

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Kanis was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Kanis," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Kanis: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Kanis: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Kanis: 'You and your ilk make me sick.'"

"Because, Kanis, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping . . ."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Kanis. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Kanis, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."

"That's what you think, Kanis. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"To find out your height and weight. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

There is a finite number of physicians that a population of fixed size will support.

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by the year 2100 there will be more lawyers than humans

The new doctor hangs up his shingle and waits nervously. A man enters and gives the doctor his list of symptoms. The doc is nonplused. He says, "Wait here," and goes into his office. He pores through his medical texts but can come up with nothing. He goes out the man and quizzes him for more information, goes into his office and repeats the search, all to no avail. Finally he goes out and says to the patient, "Have you ever had these exact same symptoms before?" "Yes, sir, Doc," he says, "about six months ago." The doctor replies, "Well, I'm sorry to tell you, but you have the same thing again."

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

FROM THE NEARLY INEXHAUSTIBLE FILE OF STORIES RELATED TO THE HONORABLE SAM STREET HUGHES

My favorite occurred when I was in his court for the sentencing of one of my recidivist criminal defense clients. After leniency on two earlier convictions, Sam was determined to give my young woman client some "hard time" -- yet he recognized the plight of this young mother with limited skills trying to make her way in a society for which she was ill-prepared by upbringing and education.

I had seen the pre-sentence report and the suggestion that my client be sentenced to 3 to 5 years in prison and had prepared her for that sentence from the court. When she was brought before Judge Hughes, he proceeded to lecture her on her need to improve herself and her life opportunities through preparation and education. He told of his own struggle to prepare himself against great odds at Berea College. Black was indeed beautiful, he told her, and he knew a place where she could learn how to care for the beauty and grooming needs not only for herself but for others -- a great school of cosmetology. He told her how after just a couple of years of study and training she could find a job where she could earn her living and contribute much back to society. During his entire discourse, he never once mentioned the words jail, prison or incarceration. In closing, he told her how proud her family would be the day she finished this program and then sentenced her to 3 to 5 years at that school of cosmetology.

My client turned to me quietly and said, "Miss Scott, am I going to jail?" When I told her that was where the school was located, she replied. "That old judge, he makes going to jail seem almost like fun!"

St. Peter was at the Pearly gates processing some new arrivals after the HIPAA meltdown. "So why should I let you in?" St. Peter asked the first one.

"I was the CEO of a large hospital. My efforts in raising HIPAA awareness, fighting for budget approval and becoming personally involved in our compliance project, almost saved us from certain collapse. My dedication to the cause is documented in the many reports that . . . ."

"I was a HIPAA compliance officer. I dedicated the last year of my life working long hours to solve computer problems. My only motivation was a desire to see us through these difficult times, to stamp out this diabolical problem and to make sure we all . . . ."

"Now why should I let you in?" St. Peter said to the next person. "I am a HIPAA consultant and lawyer. I hovered over the remnants of the health care industry that were left after the third phase of HIPAA was introduced and then swooped down like a bloodsucking vulture to pick the bones of any defenseless survivors that managed to survive the apocalypse. My only desire was to accumulate as much cash as possible."

An angel watching all this from above flew over to St. Peter. "Hey what did you let him in for?" he asked.

St. Peter looked up. "We need to let a few of the honest ones get through too you know."

JEANNE SCOTT'S "ORIGINAL" TOP TEN LIST OF THOUGHTS TO HELP GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY

10. One-seventh of your life is spent on a Monday.

9. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

8. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

7. The facts although interesting, are irrelevant.

6. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

5. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

4. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

3. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

2. If you can smile when things go wrong you usually have someone else in mind to blame.

1. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

An attorney was having an affair with his secretary. During one encounter, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and one day the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." The attorney came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti—two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

President Bush had just arrived in Crawford, Texas for his annual 6-week “working” vacation and was really proud to show off the brand new Lexus SUV he had bought for working around the ranch. He had parked it proudly outside the press center and had gone in for a brief meeting with reporters. On coming out, he found to his dismay, that his brand new car had been "bombed" by a flock of pigeons. He muttered, "I really need to do something about those pigeons." Later that afternoon, the President, after having had Andrew Card, wash his Lexus, drove into town to meet Dick Cheney for lunch. The two of them started discussing all of the problems they were having with their Democratic opponents, John Kerry and John Edwards. “They’re both a couple of @#&% lawyers,” said the Vice President, “what do you expect?”

After lunch, the President went to get his car, only to see that it was again covered with pigeon droppings. Furious, the President made up his mind; he would get rid of all the pigeons in and around Crawford. He put Attorney General John Ashcroft on to the case. The AG immediately let the word out that the President would be very grateful to anyone who could rid him of the Crawford pigeons. He was soon deluged with a thousand crackpot ideas, all of which he had his staff research and check. After a long day of interviews with people and their crazy ideas, only one man looked promising. The man told Ashcroft, "I will get rid of all the pigeons effectively but under one condition, you must pay one million for ever question you ask."

Ashcroft took the man to see the President, who by this time was in the fifth washing of his new Lexus and desperate. The President told the man to just do what he had to do. So the man opened the briefcase and a pink pigeon flew out. The President thought, "What a dumb idea!", but he held back the question on his lips. To his amazement, all the pigeons were shocked at the sight of the pink bird and started to follow it. The pink pigeon flew toward Crawford Lake and dove right in. All the pigeons followed and drowned. The pink pigeon flew out and back into the briefcase. The President was so grateful that he immediately wrote out a check for one million dollars. As the man headed for the door, Dick Cheney, who had witnessed the whole episode, could no longer contain himself. "Can I ask one question for a million dollars? Do you have any pink lawyers?"

There once was a lawyer who was very popular, she took cases all over the world. She was very greedy, and realized that if she had a clone made of herself she could make more money. One day she did have the clone made and it was perfect in every way, identical to her except that the clone talked very dirty, cursed, and was very disgusting exposing herself and doing horrible shocking things. The lawyer was distraught, what should she do, how could she explain that she was the clone, the clone was saying the lawyer was the clone? The lawyer was sitting in her office on the 20th floor of her office building when she sees the clone climbing up the side of the building swearing like all get out, mooning the people observing this act of rudeness. The clone starts to open the office window and starts to climb in the lawyer leaps from behind her desk and pushes the clone to the street below. The clone falls to her death.

Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time. Instead, they would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey.

This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.

(6) You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

(14) You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.

(17) Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a good-looking guy.

(18) The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

(20) You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

A Political Marriage Definition:

Marriage Is A Sacred Institution Consisting Of One Man, One Woman, A Congressional Aide, Some Lobbyist He Met In A Bar, Two More Women…

Woe unto you, Lawyers!

Here Lies a Lawyer

AXIOMS