health-politics.com - thejeannescottletter, update no. 333

JEANNE SCOTT’S ONE AND ONLY, ORIGINAL, ALMOST NEVER TO HAVE BEEN HEARD BEFORE, COLLECTION OF STORIES, LEGENDS, JOKES AND TALL TALES ABOUT LAWYERS INCLUDING PERSONAL ANECDOTES, LIES AND OTHER FIGMENTS OF HER IMAGINATION

Copyright, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002: 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008

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Woe unto you, Lawyers!

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

(1) “Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?”

(2) “Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?”

But on the other hand, due to professional courtesy, rats and lawyers work very well together. One problem though -- No one has been able to extrapolate the test results from lawyers to human beings.

(5) “What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway?”

(6) “What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?”

“He who has himself for an attorney has a fool for a client.” -- Anonymous

“Lawyers never lie . . . they just tell the truth judiciously.” -- Anonymous

“America is the only country in the world where the court lets the prisoner go home and locks up the jury.” -- Anonymous

"Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession." -- Anonymous

"If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be my lawyer's." -- Anonymous

“A More Feminine Practice of Law”

. . . and a True Story

Evidence that I am growing older, but hopefully more experienced in the practice of law, came to me one day when I found myself appearing in federal district court to argue against a young female attorney who had spent her first two years as an associate in my small law office. Later, she had left to join a large big city law firm, but we had maintained close ties. It was to be her very first solo courtroom argument and she was naturally quite nervous, especially in coming up against her former mentor and an experienced “old hand” such as myself.

Without compromising my client's position, I tried to reassure her that her written briefs were excellent and that she had a strong legal case from which to formulate her argument. “You will do a wonderful job,” I assured her -- [After all I was responsible for much of her training.]

And a wonderful job she did -- although sitting near her during her argument I could detect the telltale signs of a slightly trembling lectern and a warble in her voice when the judge asked her a few pointed questions. Finally, the argument was completed. The judge left the bench as we stood at our tables. I turned to her and affectionately put out my arms and we embraced. As we were still holding each other we both noticed that the judge had re-entered the courtroom, minus his robes and without the bailiff's fanfare. He walked silently to the back of the courtroom.

Opposing counsel and I quickly packed our briefcases and beat a hasty retreat to the hallway. While waiting for the elevator, we were joined by the judge and his clerk. We found ourselves riding eight floors to the courthouse lobby in awkward silence. Just as the elevator doors were about to part, the judge turned to both of us and remarked.

“You know, I've been on the bench for eighteen years and I've seen attorneys almost come to blows -- but that's the first time I've seen opposing counsel hug one another!”

Postscript -- My young opponent won her case.

During the cash-crazed oil boom years in Oklahoma, an oil-property claim was pending before a state court judge who was known for his free and easy brand of justice. One day, just before trial, his Honor announced:

"Gentlemen, this court has been handed a check from the plaintiff in this case for $30,000 and a check from the defendant for $20,000. After due consideration, the court will return $10,000 to the plaintiff. Then we will try this case strictly on its merits."

Having practiced for several years in small towns around central Michigan and then later in that seedbed for lawyer story-telling, the Piedmont region of North Carolina, I've heard many variations on the same story told of the local trial lawyer who had made himself personally very rich while becoming notorious in the neighboring communities for his prowess in the courtroom and for his many, sometimes highly questionable, legal maneuvers during negotiations and contracting. Following his death, a portrait of the great attorney was commissioned to hang prominently in the county courthouse where many of his famous legal battles had been fought.

Came the great day for the portrait unveiling and citizens from far and wide made their way to town for the speechmaking and ceremonies. Afterwards, one old farmer was seen staring quizzically at the portrait, which portrayed the great litigator in his most oratorically stunning pose, right hand raised as if to make an important point of law and left hand tucked stridently in his waistcoat pocket.

The old farmer was heard to mumble as he turned away, "Good likeness, but he usually had his hand stuck in someone else's pocket!"

Here Lies a Lawyer

Overheard Comment: "How do you like that! Now they're putting them two in a grave."

They tell of the impoverished lawyer from a small town just outside of London. Upon his death there were no funds available to bury him. A few of his friends started a collection among local townspeople, shopkeepers and the like -- asking each to contribute a shilling. Approaching the local tavern-keeper, they asked that he too contribute a shilling.

“Only a shilling,” roared the barkeep, “ . . . only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea? Go bury twenty of them!”

Attorney Joe Smith was run over by a truck and killed in his haste to an accident over the weekend. This created great sadness for his secretary, whom he had been providing bonuses for over the years.

The first call came from Mr. Daring who had scheduled a lunch meeting. The secretary wept on the phone and informed him of Mr. Smith's misfortune and that the funeral was on Wednesday.

The next call came 15 minutes later from an unidentified caller who stated that a man had a serious paralysis following a slip in the lobby of a local IBM branch. The secretary still upset, wept and informed the man that Mr. Smith had been hit by a truck over the weekend and did not survive. The funeral was on Wednesday.

The following call came ten minutes later, and through her tears she believed she recognized the voice of the man asking for an appointment. She asked if hadn't just called, and didn't he realize Mr. Smith had died....

Another lawyer, Bob Strange by name, stipulated in his will that he wanted his headstone to read, “Here lies an honest lawyer.”

When his son asked why, the lawyer said, “So everyone will know who is buried there.”

What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?”

The multi-billionaire was lying on his deathbed, there was little more his doctors could do for him but prepare him for the end. So it was that they were surprised when he asked that a certain lawyer be brought to his bedside. The crusty old billionaire HATED lawyers. He blamed lawyers for all of the bad things that had happened to him and his businesses and he railed against them constantly. The particular lawyer he asked for had been one of his worst antagonists during his life.

When the lawyer arrived the old man dismissed all of his retainers and asked to be alone with his former adversary. With his remaining strength he pulled the lawyer down next to him and in a barely audible whisper said,

“Remember years ago when you were trying to aggravate me, you said that for enough money, I could buy a law degree and get myself admitted to the Bar?”

“Well,” the curmudgeonly capitalist said, I want you to do it. I don't care how much money it costs, I want you to make me a lawyer.”

Confused, the lawyer nonetheless set out to accomplish the old man’s dying request and within a matter of hours the deed was. It cost nearly a million dollars, but the billionaire had his law degree and was admitted to the Bar.

Now as he lay in waning moments, his physicians and retainers gathered around him, one of them came up and said,

“We don't understand, why after all of these years of despising lawyers, after all these years of fighting them and tearing them down as predators and leeches, why after all this -- would you want to become a lawyer yourself?”

Jeanne's Top Ten Signs
That She Has Entered Mid-Life

10. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

9. In mid-life, women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

8. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

7. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

6. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

5. Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

4. Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

3. In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

2. Mid-life means that your “Body By Jake” now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

1. Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

AXIOMS

Between all the pigeons and the lawyers, it's hard to keep the courthouse clean.

Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

The patent attorney turned from his office window with the invention in his hand and complained to the inventor: "Death ray my ass, it hardly slowed them down!"

Woe unto you, Lawyers!

Here Lies a Lawyer

AXIOMS

Lawyer vs. Lawyer

Said the client, "Tell me how You can be friends, who fought just now."