jokes and top tens

Jeanne's Lawyer        Joke of the Week

A government lawyer sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

ANOTHER GENIE (well "mermaid-genie)-LAWYER JOKE

Three lawyers are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it and says: "If you can grant wishes, double my I.Q."

The mermaid says: "Done!"

Suddenly, the lawyer starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with amazing insight. The second lawyer is stunned and says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q."

The mermaid says: "Done!"

The second lawyer immediately starts to spout out mathematical solutions to problems that have stumped scientists in all the major fields: chemistry, physics, etc.

The third lawyer is so enthralled with what he has seen in his friends, he says to the mermaid: "QUINTUPLE my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says: "Normally I don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you ought to reconsider."

The last lawyer says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. five times, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "you don't know what you are asking... it'll change your entire view on the universe... won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the lawyer insisted on having his I.Q. increased five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done!"

And he became a woman!

(O.K., O.K., not really a lawyer joke, a "feminist" joke, but what did you expect?)

humor

Jeanne Scott has somehow established a reputation (quite unfair in her humble opinion) as being somewhat "funny," in her writing and presentations.  She prefers to think of it as irreverent.

On one occasion when she was attending the opening session of a conference where she was scheduled to be the second day key-note. Sitting quietly (for her) in the audience, she listened while the program chair was outlining the program's agenda over the next couple of days.

The chair outlined the first day's activity and then moved on to the second day, saying, "And tomorrow we will have our comedienne ..."

Well duh!

Oh well. she is the proud possessor of the world's largest collection of lawyer jokes, holding fast to the belief that there are really only three such jokes, all the rest being true stories.  One problem, many of them are more or less "off color," or as she says, "in the file labeled 'jokes I can't tell my mother.'"

Over the years with 350+ issues of her newsletter, she conservatively estimates that she has told over 3,000 lawyer jokes.

From time-to-time she has included non-lawyer jokes -- physician jokes, pharmacy jokes, accountant jokes.  Over the years she has heard fewer than ten "complaints" from lawyers or their mothers (mothers of lawyers seem more thin-skinned --  studies have shown that a high percentage of babies who are bottle-fed as infants grow up to become lawyers, which all goes to show that even their mothers didn't trust them).  On the other hand when she told physician-jokes, she received more than two dozen complaints from the one issue.

A sample handful of "doctor jokes:"

What do you get when you cross a orthopedic surgeon with a turtle?

A dyslexic turtle!

What do you get when you cross a surgeon with a turtle?

You get a turtle that can tie its shoes with either hand!

 What do you get when you cross an Internist with a turtle?

You get an indecisive turtle or a turtle that cannot make up its mind without talking to 6 other turtles!

 What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist with a turtle?

You get a turtle that always answers a question with a question!

 What do you get when you cross a urologist with a turtle?

Funny tasting turtle soup!

 What do you get when you cross a rural GP with a turtle?

A turtle that can find a helicopter real quick at 3:00 a.m.

Top Tens

She has also closed virtually everyone of her presentations over the years with a "top ten" list and a few of these have been included for your enjoyment as well.

New Jokes?

She is always in the market for new lawyer jokes, so if you've heard a new one of late, try it out on her.  If it really is new -- and is not too off-color -- she will include them in an upcoming issue of her newsletter, with full credit to you the submitter.

 

back to top

 

The "really good guys" joke was contributed by my then 14-year old son, Larry, who thought it was really funny and would tell it incessantly around our friends and neighbors.

At age xx-something, Jeanne has already been through at least 4-5 "mid-life" crises (depending upon whom you talk to ... her husband, her children, her friends, her professional colleagues) so this top ten list rings oh so true.

Jeanne has been known to stick in the names of real friends, attorneys and others into her jokes ... so watch out for your name <smile>.

Believe it or not, in one of her past lives before she became a Washington lobbyist, Jeanne really, really did practice law ... and her favorite judge was old Sam Street Hughes, Ingham County Circuit Judge.

When Sam was finally ready to retire in 1973, Jeanne had moved to Washington DC.  One day her phone rang and it was Judge Hughes feigning a great deal of bluster and impatience.  "Jeanne Scott, I hereby hold you in contempt of court," he screamed into the phone.  Confused and completely off guard, she feebly responded, "What did I do, your honor?"

It appears that a case involving a former client of hers, which she had transferred to another attorney when leaving practice, had literally blown up in the Judge's courtroom, with her client's husband getting a hold of a gun in the courtroom and getting of a couple of shots at the judge before a sheriff's deputy subdued him. (But that's another story)

The long and the short of it, Jeanne was found in contempt and ordered to return to Lansing to be one of the principal speakers at Judge Hughes "retirement party" set for the next month.  Failing to appear would mean 3 days in jail.  Knowing what three days in jail meant from past experience, Jeanne went to the Judge Hughes' party, gladly and with every honor she could bestow on him.

 

JEANNE SCOTT’S ONE AND ONLY, ORIGINAL, ALMOST NEVER TO HAVE BEEN HEARD BEFORE, COLLECTION OF STORIES, LEGENDS, JOKES AND TALL TALES ABOUT LAWYERS INCLUDING PERSONAL ANECDOTES, LIES AND OTHER FIGMENTS OF HER IMAGINATION

Copyright, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002: 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008

Jeanne Schulte Scott

Fine Print: Jokes subject to change without notice; text is slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; all models are over 18 years of age; dry clean only; do not bend, fold, or mutilate; anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions are allowed; for a limited time only while supplies last; offer void where prohibited; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; jokes may contain material some readers find objectionable; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; ask us about our guns-for-jokes trade-in plan; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; jokes were packed full, contents may have settled during mailing; sanitized and sealed for your protection; do not use if safety seal is broken; do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a swelling, redness, rash, or irritation develops, discontinue use; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; keep away from open flames; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; joke contents under pressure, may explode if incinerated; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, preservatives, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a comedian; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; joke offer is valid only at participating Internet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are found, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; please remain seated until the jokes have come to a complete stop; jokes in the mirror may be funnier than they appear; this disclaimer does not cover hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and other Acts of God, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, radiation leakage from overhead power lines, unauthorized repair, improper installation, misuse, typos, misspelled words, missing or altered signatures, and incidents owing to computer or disk failure, accidental file deletions, or milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking; other restrictions may apply.  If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.

Woe unto you, Lawyers!

                Luke 11:52

NEVER TRUST A DOCUMENT THAT BEGINS WITH A “WHEREAS”

JJJJJ

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

JJJJJ

SEVEN TRULY TERRIBLE LAWYER GAGS

(1)           “Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?”

                . . . New Jersey had first choice!

(2)           “Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?”

                . . .  A.  Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them.

                . . .  B.  Lab personnel don't get as emotionally attached to them.

                . . .  C.  Lawyers do things rats won't.

                . . .  D.  Animal protection groups don't get nearly as excited.

Other reasons?         E.             Lawyers are more expendable,

                                F.             Lawyers cause more harm to society than rats

                                G.            Rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity

                                H.            Rats have an innate right to life and liberty,

                                I.              Rats have more dignity

But on the other hand, due to professional courtesy, rats and lawyers work very well together.   One problem though --  No one has been able to extrapolate the test results from lawyers to human beings.

(3)           “What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?”

                 . . . Two Dobermans!

(4)           “What happens when a lawyer is made godfather?”

                . . . He makes you an offer you can't understand.

(5)           “What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway?”

                . . . Skid marks in front of the snake.      

 (6)          “What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?”

                . . . A good start.

(7)           “Why is money green?”

                . . . Because lawyers pick it before it’s ripe.

JJJJJ

Quoting Anonymous

“He who has himself for an attorney has a fool for a client.”                  -- Anonymous

“Lawyers never lie . . . they just tell the truth judiciously.”                -- Anonymous

“America is the only country in the world where the court lets the prisoner go home and locks up the jury.”                                                                -- Anonymous

"Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession."                                                                                                                                              -- Anonymous

"If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be my lawyer's."                 -- Anonymous

JJJJJ

“A More Feminine Practice of Law”

. . . and a True Story

                Evidence that I am growing older, but hopefully more experienced in the practice of law, came to me one day when I found myself appearing in federal district court to argue against a young female attorney who had spent her first two years as an associate in my small law office.  Later, she had left to join a large big city law firm, but we had maintained close ties.  It was to be her very first solo courtroom argument and she was naturally quite nervous, especially in coming up against her former mentor and an experienced “old hand” such as myself.

                Without compromising my client's position, I tried to reassure her that her written briefs were excellent and that she had a strong legal case from which to formulate her argument.  “You will do a wonderful job,” I assured her -- [After all I was responsible for much of her training.]

                And a wonderful job she did -- although sitting near her during her argument I could detect the telltale signs of a slightly trembling lectern and a warble in her voice when the judge asked her a few pointed questions.  Finally, the argument was completed.  The judge left the bench as we stood at our tables.    I turned to her and affectionately put out my arms and we embraced.  As we were still holding each other we both noticed that the judge had re-entered the courtroom, minus his robes and without the bailiff's fanfare.   He walked silently to the back of the courtroom.

                Opposing counsel and I quickly packed our briefcases and beat a hasty retreat to the hallway.  While waiting for the elevator, we were joined by the judge and his clerk.  We found ourselves riding eight floors to the courthouse lobby in awkward silence.  Just as the elevator doors were about to part, the judge turned to both of us and remarked.

                “You know, I've been on the bench for eighteen years and I've seen attorneys almost come to blows -- but that's the first time I've seen opposing counsel hug one another!”

Postscript -- My young opponent won her case.

 

 JJJJJ

OKLAHOMA JUSTICE

During the cash-crazed oil boom years in Oklahoma, an oil-property claim was pending before a state court judge who was known for his free and easy brand of justice.  One day, just before trial, his Honor announced:

                "Gentlemen, this court has been handed a check from the plaintiff in this case for $30,000 and a check from the defendant for $20,000.  After due consideration, the court will return $10,000 to the plaintiff.  Then we will try this case strictly on its merits."

JJJJJ

An old adage . . .

"Military justice is to justice ...  as military music is to music"

JJJJJ

PUTTING LAWYERS IN THEIR PLACE

(a whole passel of “dead lawyer” stories)

Carl Sandburg's Famous Doggerel:

Why is there always a secret singing . . .

When a lawyer cashes in?

 Why does a hearse horse snicker . . .

 Hauling a lawyer away?

***

A LAWYER'S EULOGY

Having practiced for several years in small towns around central Michigan and then later in that seedbed for lawyer story-telling, the Piedmont region of North Carolina, I've heard many variations on the same story told of the local trial lawyer who had made himself personally very rich while becoming notorious in the neighboring communities for his prowess in the courtroom and for his many, sometimes highly questionable, legal maneuvers during negotiations and contracting.  Following his death, a portrait of the great attorney was commissioned to hang prominently in the county courthouse where many of his famous legal battles had been fought.

Came the great day for the portrait unveiling and citizens from far and wide made their way to town for the speechmaking and ceremonies.  Afterwards, one old farmer was seen staring quizzically at the portrait, which portrayed the great litigator in his most oratorically stunning pose, right hand raised as if to make an important point of law and left hand tucked stridently in his waistcoat pocket.

The old farmer was heard to mumble as he turned away, "Good likeness, but he usually had his hand stuck in someone else's pocket!"  
 

A LAWYERS EPITAPH

Here Lies a Lawyer

and an Honest Man

Overheard Comment:  "How do you like that!   Now they're putting them two in a grave."

***

Yet another lawyer burial . . . .

                They tell of the impoverished lawyer from a small town just outside of London.  Upon his death there were no funds available to bury him.  A few of his friends started a collection among local townspeople, shopkeepers and the like -- asking each to contribute a shilling.  Approaching the local tavern-keeper, they asked that he too contribute a shilling.

                “Only a shilling,” roared the barkeep, “ . . . only a shilling to bury an attorney?  Here's a guinea?  Go bury twenty of them!”

***

Attorney Joe Smith was run over by a truck and killed in his haste to an accident over the weekend.  This created great sadness for his secretary, whom he had been providing bonuses for over the years.

                        The secretary had to handle his call on the following Monday.

The first call came from Mr. Daring who had scheduled a lunch meeting.   The secretary wept on the phone and informed him of Mr. Smith's misfortune and that the funeral was on Wednesday.

The next call came 15 minutes later from an unidentified caller who stated that a man had a serious paralysis following a slip in the lobby of a local IBM branch.  The secretary still upset, wept and informed the man that Mr. Smith had been hit by a truck over the weekend and did not survive.  The funeral was on Wednesday. 

The following call came ten minutes later, and through her tears she believed she recognized the voice of the man asking for an appointment.  She asked if hadn't just called, and didn't he realize Mr. Smith had died....

                        “Yes,” he answered.  He added “I'd just like to hear it again.” 

***

Another lawyer, Bob Strange by name, stipulated in his will that he wanted his headstone to read, “Here lies an honest lawyer.”

When his son asked why, the lawyer said, “So everyone will know who is buried there.”

 “How will they know that?” asked his son.

 “Because when they read it, they'll say, ‘That's Strange!’ ”

***

Some Good Dead Lawyer Gags

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

… About three pounds, including the urn.

Where can you find a good lawyer?

… A cemetery a good place to start..

Why do they bury lawyers 12-feet deep?

… Because deep down they are really good guys.

Why should lawyers always be buried face down?

                ... If they wake up, they'll start digging.

                What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?”

                … Not enough sand!

What do lawyers do after they die?

                … They lie still.

***

And finally, one of my favorite, top ten lawyer jokes of all time:

The multi-billionaire was lying on his deathbed, there was little more his doctors could do for him but prepare him for the end.  So it was that they were surprised when he asked that a certain lawyer be brought to his bedside.  The crusty old billionaire HATED lawyers.  He blamed lawyers for all of the bad things that had happened to him and his businesses and he railed against them constantly.  The particular lawyer he asked for had been one of his worst antagonists during his life.

          When the lawyer arrived the old man dismissed all of his retainers and asked to be alone with his former adversary.  With his remaining strength he pulled the lawyer down next to him and in a barely audible whisper said,

          “Remember years ago when you were trying to aggravate me, you said that for enough money, I could buy a law degree and get myself admitted to the Bar?”

          “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “I remember.”

          “Well,” the curmudgeonly capitalist said, I want you to do it.  I don't care how much money it costs, I want you to make me a lawyer.”

          Confused, the lawyer nonetheless set out to accomplish the old man’s dying request and within a matter of hours the deed was.  It cost nearly a million dollars, but the billionaire had his law degree and was admitted to the Bar.

          Now as he lay in waning moments, his physicians and retainers gathered around him, one of them came up and said,

          “We don't understand, why after all of these years of despising lawyers, after all these years of fighting them and tearing them down as predators and leeches, why after all this -- would you want to become a lawyer yourself?”

          With his very last breath, the old man gargled, “One less lawyer!”

JJJJJ

Jeanne's Top Ten Signs 
That She Has Entered Mid-Life

10. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

9. In mid-life, women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.  We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

8. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

7. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

6. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

5. Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

4. Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

3. In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

2. Mid-life means that your “Body By Jake” now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

1. Mid-life means that you become more reflective...  You start pondering the "big" questions.  What is life?  Why am I here?  How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.  We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.  Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

 

AXIOMS

The term “criminal lawyer” is redundant!

***

Between all the pigeons and the lawyers, it's hard to keep the courthouse clean.

***

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there stands only a law degree.

***

Bulls do not win bullfights; people do.  People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

***

Talk is cheap... until lawyers get involved.

JJJJJ

Overheard

 

Bystander: Did your lawyer give you bad advice?

Client: No, I paid for it.

 

***

 

First lawyer: As soon as I learned the business was crooked, I got out of it.

Second lawyer: How much?

JJJJJ

The patent attorney turned from his office window with the invention in his hand and complained to the inventor: "Death ray my ass, it hardly slowed them down!"

 
Lawyer vs. Lawyer

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er, Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.

Said the client, "Tell me how You can be friends, who fought just now."

"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen, Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."

         --Burl Ives                        

***

A lawyer calls an associate, at another office, and tells him, “Gee, one of your clients was just here, and was HE hopping mad!   He said he's on his way to your office with a .357 Magnum, and it sounded like he means business!    Anyway, that's not the reason I called....”

***

Attorney David Oles was always looking on the bright side. He constantly irritated his partners and associates with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his partners decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even David could find no hope in it.

One day, one of them said, "David, did you hear about Arthur? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said David, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered partner, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied David, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

***

Two of the top partners of a top Houston personal-injury law firm were wooing a hot, young, Ivy League, law school graduate, whom they wanted to recruit very badly.

 

The firm flew him down, gave him the grand tour, showed him the fabulous suite he'd have, as well as the car and other perks. The grad took all this in, was duly impressed, and told the two partners, "This is all very impressive, and quite generous, but before I could commit to you I have to know one thing: what kind of pro bono program does the firm have?"

 

The two partners looked at each other, back at the grad, and asked for a minute to confer. In the corner of the conference room, they huddled briefly, then seemed to come to a consensus.  They walked back over to the young graduate; whereupon the older, very distinguished partner said, "What's pro bono?"

***

Pete and Jerry had been law partners for many years.  One day, Pete fell ill, and grew progressively worse.  Medical specialists were called in from the world over, but no one could diagnose Pete's illness.  The only thing that seemed certain was that Pete's death was imminent.  As Pete lay in his last hours, he felt obligated to reveal a few secrets to Jerry.  “You know that million dollar settlement we got from Morgan last year?  I never told you this, but it was really three million.  I kept the other two million, and eventually gambled it away.  Can you forgive me? ”   Jerry said that he would, without question.  Pete then told him, “Well, you remember when your wife divorced you and got the big alimony judgment?  It was me that gave her the inside information on your finances.  I had been screwing her for years.  How can you forgive me?”  Jerry told his friend, once again, that it was forgotten.  After Pete had told of several other transgressions, all of which Jerry forgave, Pete began to look at Jerry as saintly.  “How can you be so forgiving, after the way I have cheated and lied to you for so many years?”  Jerry answered,  “For two reasons, Pete.  First, because you will soon be dead, and there's no reason to hate you in the grave.  And, secondly, because I poisoned you.”

***

Two lawyers, a criminal litigator and an Intellectual Property lawyer, are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.  The litigator leans over to the property lawyer and asks if she would like to play a fun game.  The property lawyer just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.   The litigator persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.  Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the property lawyer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The litigator, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the intellectual property lawyer's attention, and she sees no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees to the game.

The litigator asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The property lawyer doesn't say a word, but reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the litigator.

Now, it's the intellectual prope