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Jeanne's Lawyer Joke of the Week A government lawyer sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office. ANOTHER GENIE (well "mermaid-genie)-LAWYER JOKE Three lawyers are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it and says: "If you can grant wishes, double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done!" Suddenly, the lawyer starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with amazing insight. The second lawyer is stunned and says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done!" The second lawyer immediately starts to spout out mathematical solutions to problems that have stumped scientists in all the major fields: chemistry, physics, etc. The third lawyer is so enthralled with what he has seen in his friends, he says to the mermaid: "QUINTUPLE my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "Normally I don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you ought to reconsider." The last lawyer says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. five times, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid, "you don't know what you are asking... it'll change your entire view on the universe... won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the lawyer insisted on having his I.Q. increased five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done!" And he became a woman! (O.K., O.K., not really a lawyer joke, a "feminist" joke, but what did you expect?) humor Jeanne Scott has somehow established a reputation (quite unfair in her humble opinion) as being somewhat "funny," in her writing and presentations. She prefers to think of it as irreverent. On one occasion when she was attending the opening session of a conference where she was scheduled to be the second day key-note. Sitting quietly (for her) in the audience, she listened while the program chair was outlining the program's agenda over the next couple of days. The chair outlined the first day's activity and then moved on to the second day, saying, "And tomorrow we will have our comedienne ..." Well duh! Oh well. she is the proud possessor of the world's largest collection of lawyer jokes, holding fast to the belief that there are really only three such jokes, all the rest being true stories. One problem, many of them are more or less "off color," or as she says, "in the file labeled 'jokes I can't tell my mother.'" Over the years with 350+ issues of her newsletter, she conservatively estimates that she has told over 3,000 lawyer jokes. From time-to-time she has included non-lawyer jokes -- physician jokes, pharmacy jokes, accountant jokes. Over the years she has heard fewer than ten "complaints" from lawyers or their mothers (mothers of lawyers seem more thin-skinned -- studies have shown that a high percentage of babies who are bottle-fed as infants grow up to become lawyers, which all goes to show that even their mothers didn't trust them). On the other hand when she told physician-jokes, she received more than two dozen complaints from the one issue. A sample handful of "doctor jokes:" What do you get when you cross a orthopedic surgeon with a turtle? A dyslexic turtle! What do you get when you cross a surgeon with a turtle? You get a turtle that can tie its shoes with either hand! What do you get when you cross an Internist with a turtle? You get an indecisive turtle or a turtle that cannot make up its mind without talking to 6 other turtles! What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist with a turtle? You get a turtle that always answers a question with a question! What do you get when you cross a urologist with a turtle? Funny tasting turtle soup! What do you get when you cross a rural GP with a turtle? A turtle that can find a helicopter real quick at 3:00 a.m.
Top Tens She has also closed virtually everyone of her presentations over the years with a "top ten" list and a few of these have been included for your enjoyment as well. New Jokes? She is always in the market for new lawyer jokes, so if you've heard a new one of late, try it out on her. If it really is new -- and is not too off-color -- she will include them in an upcoming issue of her newsletter, with full credit to you the submitter.
The "really good guys" joke was contributed by my then 14-year old son, Larry, who thought it was really funny and would tell it incessantly around our friends and neighbors. At age xx-something, Jeanne has already been through at least 4-5 "mid-life" crises (depending upon whom you talk to ... her husband, her children, her friends, her professional colleagues) so this top ten list rings oh so true. Jeanne has been known to stick in the names of real friends, attorneys and others into her jokes ... so watch out for your name <smile>. Believe it or not, in one of her past lives before she became a Washington lobbyist, Jeanne really, really did practice law ... and her favorite judge was old Sam Street Hughes, Ingham County Circuit Judge. When Sam was finally ready to retire in 1973, Jeanne had moved to Washington DC. One day her phone rang and it was Judge Hughes feigning a great deal of bluster and impatience. "Jeanne Scott, I hereby hold you in contempt of court," he screamed into the phone. Confused and completely off guard, she feebly responded, "What did I do, your honor?" It appears that a case involving a former client of hers, which she had transferred to another attorney when leaving practice, had literally blown up in the Judge's courtroom, with her client's husband getting a hold of a gun in the courtroom and getting of a couple of shots at the judge before a sheriff's deputy subdued him. (But that's another story) The long and the short of it, Jeanne was found in contempt and ordered to return to Lansing to be one of the principal speakers at Judge Hughes "retirement party" set for the next month. Failing to appear would mean 3 days in jail. Knowing what three days in jail meant from past experience, Jeanne went to the Judge Hughes' party, gladly and with every honor she could bestow on him.
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JEANNE SCOTT’S ONE AND ONLY, ORIGINAL, ALMOST NEVER TO HAVE BEEN HEARD BEFORE, COLLECTION OF STORIES, LEGENDS, JOKES AND TALL TALES ABOUT LAWYERS INCLUDING PERSONAL ANECDOTES, LIES AND OTHER FIGMENTS OF HER IMAGINATION Copyright, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002: 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 Jeanne Schulte Scott Fine Print: Jokes subject to change without notice; text is slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; all models are over 18 years of age; dry clean only; do not bend, fold, or mutilate; anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions are allowed; for a limited time only while supplies last; offer void where prohibited; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; jokes may contain material some readers find objectionable; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; ask us about our guns-for-jokes trade-in plan; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; jokes were packed full, contents may have settled during mailing; sanitized and sealed for your protection; do not use if safety seal is broken; do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a swelling, redness, rash, or irritation develops, discontinue use; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; keep away from open flames; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; joke contents under pressure, may explode if incinerated; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, preservatives, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a comedian; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; joke offer is valid only at participating Internet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are found, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; please remain seated until the jokes have come to a complete stop; jokes in the mirror may be funnier than they appear; this disclaimer does not cover hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and other Acts of God, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, radiation leakage from overhead power lines, unauthorized repair, improper installation, misuse, typos, misspelled words, missing or altered signatures, and incidents owing to computer or disk failure, accidental file deletions, or milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on. Woe unto you, Lawyers!Luke 11:52 NEVER TRUST A DOCUMENT THAT BEGINS WITH A “WHEREAS” JJJJJ The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name. JJJJJ SEVEN TRULY TERRIBLE LAWYER GAGS (1) “Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?” . . . New Jersey had first choice! (2) “Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?” . . . A. Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them. . . . B. Lab personnel don't get as emotionally attached to them. . . . C. Lawyers do things rats won't. . . . D. Animal protection groups don't get nearly as excited. Other reasons? E. Lawyers are more expendable, F. Lawyers cause more harm to society than rats G. Rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity H. Rats have an innate right to life and liberty, I. Rats have more dignity But on the other hand, due to professional courtesy, rats and lawyers work very well together. One problem though -- No one has been able to extrapolate the test results from lawyers to human beings. (3) “What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?” . . . Two Dobermans! (4) “What happens when a lawyer is made godfather?” . . . He makes you an offer you can't understand. (5) “What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway?” . . . Skid marks in front of the snake. (6) “What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?” . . . A good start. (7) “Why is money green?” . . . Because lawyers pick it before it’s ripe. JJJJJ Quoting Anonymous “He who has himself for an attorney has a fool for a client.” -- Anonymous “Lawyers never lie . . . they just tell the truth judiciously.” -- Anonymous “America is the only country in the world where the court lets the prisoner go home and locks up the jury.” -- Anonymous "Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession." -- Anonymous "If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be my lawyer's." -- Anonymous JJJJJ “A More Feminine Practice of Law” . . . and a True Story Evidence that I am growing older, but hopefully more experienced in the practice of law, came to me one day when I found myself appearing in federal district court to argue against a young female attorney who had spent her first two years as an associate in my small law office. Later, she had left to join a large big city law firm, but we had maintained close ties. It was to be her very first solo courtroom argument and she was naturally quite nervous, especially in coming up against her former mentor and an experienced “old hand” such as myself. Without compromising my client's position, I tried to reassure her that her written briefs were excellent and that she had a strong legal case from which to formulate her argument. “You will do a wonderful job,” I assured her -- [After all I was responsible for much of her training.] And a wonderful job she did -- although sitting near her during her argument I could detect the telltale signs of a slightly trembling lectern and a warble in her voice when the judge asked her a few pointed questions. Finally, the argument was completed. The judge left the bench as we stood at our tables. I turned to her and affectionately put out my arms and we embraced. As we were still holding each other we both noticed that the judge had re-entered the courtroom, minus his robes and without the bailiff's fanfare. He walked silently to the back of the courtroom. Opposing counsel and I quickly packed our briefcases and beat a hasty retreat to the hallway. While waiting for the elevator, we were joined by the judge and his clerk. We found ourselves riding eight floors to the courthouse lobby in awkward silence. Just as the elevator doors were about to part, the judge turned to both of us and remarked. “You know, I've been on the bench for eighteen years and I've seen attorneys almost come to blows -- but that's the first time I've seen opposing counsel hug one another!” Postscript -- My young opponent won her case.
JJJJJ OKLAHOMA JUSTICE During the cash-crazed oil boom years in Oklahoma, an oil-property claim was pending before a state court judge who was known for his free and easy brand of justice. One day, just before trial, his Honor announced: "Gentlemen, this court has been handed a check from the plaintiff in this case for $30,000 and a check from the defendant for $20,000. After due consideration, the court will return $10,000 to the plaintiff. Then we will try this case strictly on its merits." JJJJJ An old adage . . . "Military justice is to justice ... as military music is to music" JJJJJ PUTTING LAWYERS IN THEIR PLACE (a whole passel of “dead lawyer” stories) Carl Sandburg's Famous Doggerel: Why is there always a secret singing . . . When a lawyer cashes in? Why does a hearse horse snicker . . . Hauling a lawyer away? *** A LAWYER'S EULOGY Having practiced for several years in small towns around central Michigan and then later in that seedbed for lawyer story-telling, the Piedmont region of North Carolina, I've heard many variations on the same story told of the local trial lawyer who had made himself personally very rich while becoming notorious in the neighboring communities for his prowess in the courtroom and for his many, sometimes highly questionable, legal maneuvers during negotiations and contracting. Following his death, a portrait of the great attorney was commissioned to hang prominently in the county courthouse where many of his famous legal battles had been fought. Came the great day for the portrait unveiling and citizens from far and wide made their way to town for the speechmaking and ceremonies. Afterwards, one old farmer was seen staring quizzically at the portrait, which portrayed the great litigator in his most oratorically stunning pose, right hand raised as if to make an important point of law and left hand tucked stridently in his waistcoat pocket.
The old farmer
was heard to mumble as he turned away, "Good
likeness, but he usually had his hand stuck in
someone else's pocket!"
A LAWYERS EPITAPH Here Lies a Lawyerand an Honest Man Overheard Comment: "How do you like that! Now they're putting them two in a grave." *** Yet another lawyer burial . . . . They tell of the impoverished lawyer from a small town just outside of London. Upon his death there were no funds available to bury him. A few of his friends started a collection among local townspeople, shopkeepers and the like -- asking each to contribute a shilling. Approaching the local tavern-keeper, they asked that he too contribute a shilling. “Only a shilling,” roared the barkeep, “ . . . only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea? Go bury twenty of them!” *** Attorney Joe Smith was run over by a truck and killed in his haste to an accident over the weekend. This created great sadness for his secretary, whom he had been providing bonuses for over the years. The secretary had to handle his call on the following Monday. The first call came from Mr. Daring who had scheduled a lunch meeting. The secretary wept on the phone and informed him of Mr. Smith's misfortune and that the funeral was on Wednesday. The next call came 15 minutes later from an unidentified caller who stated that a man had a serious paralysis following a slip in the lobby of a local IBM branch. The secretary still upset, wept and informed the man that Mr. Smith had been hit by a truck over the weekend and did not survive. The funeral was on Wednesday. The following call came ten minutes later, and through her tears she believed she recognized the voice of the man asking for an appointment. She asked if hadn't just called, and didn't he realize Mr. Smith had died.... “Yes,” he answered. He added “I'd just like to hear it again.” *** Another lawyer, Bob Strange by name, stipulated in his will that he wanted his headstone to read, “Here lies an honest lawyer.” When his son asked why, the lawyer said, “So everyone will know who is buried there.” “How will they know that?” asked his son. “Because when they read it, they'll say, ‘That's Strange!’ ” *** Some Good Dead Lawyer Gags
… About three pounds, including the urn. Where can you find a good lawyer? … A cemetery a good place to start.. Why do they bury lawyers 12-feet deep? … Because deep down they are really good guys. Why should lawyers always be buried face down? ... If they wake up, they'll start digging. What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?” … Not enough sand! What do lawyers do after they die? … They lie still. *** And finally, one of my favorite, top ten lawyer jokes of all time: The multi-billionaire was lying on his deathbed, there was little more his doctors could do for him but prepare him for the end. So it was that they were surprised when he asked that a certain lawyer be brought to his bedside. The crusty old billionaire HATED lawyers. He blamed lawyers for all of the bad things that had happened to him and his businesses and he railed against them constantly. The particular lawyer he asked for had been one of his worst antagonists during his life. When the lawyer arrived the old man dismissed all of his retainers and asked to be alone with his former adversary. With his remaining strength he pulled the lawyer down next to him and in a barely audible whisper said, “Remember years ago when you were trying to aggravate me, you said that for enough money, I could buy a law degree and get myself admitted to the Bar?” “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “I remember.” “Well,” the curmudgeonly capitalist said, I want you to do it. I don't care how much money it costs, I want you to make me a lawyer.” Confused, the lawyer nonetheless set out to accomplish the old man’s dying request and within a matter of hours the deed was. It cost nearly a million dollars, but the billionaire had his law degree and was admitted to the Bar. Now as he lay in waning moments, his physicians and retainers gathered around him, one of them came up and said, “We don't understand, why after all of these years of despising lawyers, after all these years of fighting them and tearing them down as predators and leeches, why after all this -- would you want to become a lawyer yourself?” With his very last breath, the old man gargled, “One less lawyer!” JJJJJ
10. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. 9. In mid-life, women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. 8. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. 7. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. 6. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too." 5. Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. 4. Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?" 3. In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water. 2. Mid-life means that your “Body By Jake” now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin. 1. Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
AXIOMSThe term “criminal lawyer” is redundant! *** Between all the pigeons and the lawyers, it's hard to keep the courthouse clean. *** Between grand theft and a legal fee, there stands only a law degree. *** Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do. *** Talk is cheap... until lawyers get involved. JJJJJ Overheard
Bystander: Did your lawyer give you bad advice? Client: No, I paid for it.
***
First lawyer: As soon as I learned the business was crooked, I got out of it. Second lawyer: How much? JJJJJ The patent attorney turned from his office window with the invention in his hand and complained to the inventor: "Death ray my ass, it hardly slowed them down!" |
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Lawyer vs. LawyerTwo lawyers when a knotty case was o'er, Shook hands, and were as friendly as before. Said the client, "Tell me how You can be friends, who fought just now.""Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen, Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between." --Burl Ives *** A lawyer calls an associate, at another office, and tells him, “Gee, one of your clients was just here, and was HE hopping mad! He said he's on his way to your office with a .357 Magnum, and it sounded like he means business! Anyway, that's not the reason I called....” *** Attorney David Oles was always looking on the bright side. He constantly irritated his partners and associates with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his partners decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even David could find no hope in it. One day, one of them said, "David, did you hear about Arthur? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That's awful," said David, "but it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered partner, "could it have been worse?" "Well," replied David, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" *** Two of the top partners of a top Houston personal-injury law firm were wooing a hot, young, Ivy League, law school graduate, whom they wanted to recruit very badly.
The firm flew him down, gave him the grand tour, showed him the fabulous suite he'd have, as well as the car and other perks. The grad took all this in, was duly impressed, and told the two partners, "This is all very impressive, and quite generous, but before I could commit to you I have to know one thing: what kind of pro bono program does the firm have?"
The two partners looked at each other, back at the grad, and asked for a minute to confer. In the corner of the conference room, they huddled briefly, then seemed to come to a consensus. They walked back over to the young graduate; whereupon the older, very distinguished partner said, "What's pro bono?" *** Pete and Jerry had been law partners for many years. One day, Pete fell ill, and grew progressively worse. Medical specialists were called in from the world over, but no one could diagnose Pete's illness. The only thing that seemed certain was that Pete's death was imminent. As Pete lay in his last hours, he felt obligated to reveal a few secrets to Jerry. “You know that million dollar settlement we got from Morgan last year? I never told you this, but it was really three million. I kept the other two million, and eventually gambled it away. Can you forgive me? ” Jerry said that he would, without question. Pete then told him, “Well, you remember when your wife divorced you and got the big alimony judgment? It was me that gave her the inside information on your finances. I had been screwing her for years. How can you forgive me?” Jerry told his friend, once again, that it was forgotten. After Pete had told of several other transgressions, all of which Jerry forgave, Pete began to look at Jerry as saintly. “How can you be so forgiving, after the way I have cheated and lied to you for so many years?” Jerry answered, “For two reasons, Pete. First, because you will soon be dead, and there's no reason to hate you in the grave. And, secondly, because I poisoned you.” *** Two lawyers, a criminal litigator and an Intellectual Property lawyer, are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The litigator leans over to the property lawyer and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The property lawyer just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The litigator persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the property lawyer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The litigator, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the intellectual property lawyer's attention, and she sees no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees to the game. The litigator asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The property lawyer doesn't say a word, but reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the litigator. Now, it's the intellectual property lawyer's turn. She asks the litigator "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The litigator looks up at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers - all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the intellectual property lawyer and hands her $50. The property lawyer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The litigator, more than a little miffed, shakes the intellectual property lawyer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him $5. *** The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!" *** The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, “I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!” The other partner replied, “What are you worried about? We're both here.” *** John and Joe had been law partners for many years, sharing everything, most especially the affections of their libidinous secretary, Rose. One morning, an agitated John came to Joe with the bad news, “Rose is pregnant! We're going to be a father!” Joe, the more reserved of the two, calmed his partner and reminded him that things could be much worse. They were both well-off, and could easily afford the costs of raising the child. Rose would have the best care available, her child would attend only the finest schools, and neither would want for anything. The child would have the benefit of having two fathers, both of which were caring and well-educated. Gradually, John got used to the idea of fatherhood. When the big day came, both were at the hospital awaiting the news of their offspring's birth. Finally, John could take no more and went outside to take a walk. When he returned an hour later, Joe had the news. “We had twins,” said Joe, “and mine died.” *** Law firm up and/or out structures where young associates are evaluated at various stages in the “partnership track” to weed out those who will not make partner have been the subject of a great deal of comment and increasing scrutiny. The process is reported increasingly “vicious” and competition has resulted in some particularly interesting evaluations. – Among some of the comments extracted from these mentoring sessions – · "Since my last report, this associate has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." · "His fellow associates would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." · "I would not allow this associate to breed." · "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." · "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." · "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." · "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." · "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." · "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." · "This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." · "This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." *** The Marriage of Jim and Robyn Attorney Jim Phillips had built quite a reputation as a "ladies man" and with one of the biggest "domestic relations" practices in the Atlanta area, he had frequently spoken of his antipathy to marriage. So it came as quite a surprise -- indeed a shock -- to those that knew him that he finally proposed marriage to anyone, yet alone to Robyn Brinkley, another divorce lawyer, and counsel on the opposing side of so many of his cases. So it was that the night before the scheduled wedding, at the church rehearsal, the groom-to-be Phillips approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $1000 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister $1000 and walked away, smiling at the craftiness of his deed. The next morning nearly all of the Atlanta area's divorce lawyers packed the church. Half were there to assure themselves that the couple would actually go through with it and the other half wanted to be ready to act as counsel in what they thought would inevitably be one of the greatest domestic relations cases of the century. The radiant bride and the self-assured groom, confident on his deal with the minister, moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows were to be exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows, the minister looked Phillips sternly in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped, looked around, but trapped in front of so many, whispered, "Yes." After the wedding, the groom pulled the minister aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The minister put the $1000 into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." *** Now that lawyers can advertise, says one reporter, you had better brace yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back." *** Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? … When the lawyer won, the dog bit him. *** (GROAN) Marge and Eleanor, partners in a burgeoning domestic relations practice, were closing up one night, exhausted but satisfied with another good day in the legal trenches. Said Marge, “There never seem to be enough hours in the day in the divorce business.” Replied Eleanor, “Yeah, time really goes by fast when your halving funds.” *** Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk. "I want to fatten it up as fast as possible," she said. Sally got the job! *** The impressionable new associate at the big city law firm was talking to three senior associates about their preferred marital status. The estate-planning associate extolled the virtues of married life. “You have a lot more secure home life,” he said; “you can start your family now and have someone to discuss the ups and downs with . . . ” The litigation associate explained how he preferred to play the field. “I like the thrill of the chase, getting to know someone new . . . ” The tax associate discussed his preference, “You really need a wife and a mistress. That way, when your wife calls and asks where you are, you can tell her you're with the other woman. When the mistress calls, tell her you're at home with your wife. In the meantime you can spend all of your time at the office billing hours.” *** One morning at the law office, one attorney looked at the other and said, "Wow, you look really terrible this morning." The other lawyer replied, "Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning and, no matter what I try, I can't seem to get rid of it." The first lawyer told him, "Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife. Works every time for me." Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met again. The first told the second, "You know, you look 100% better than this morning." The second replied, "Yeah, that was great advice you gave me. You've got a beautiful house, too. " *** Partners at a big law firm gather for a picture at their annual dinner. All look glum. The photographer tries several jokes to lighten the mood, but none work. Finally, inspiration hits. “Just say ‘fees,’” he says. *** A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!" *** A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" *** Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: “It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.” *** The defendant who pleads her own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. *** Three attorneys went duck hunting; a small town solo practitioner, a tax attorney, and a litigator. They were in a blind, a bird flew along, the solo practitioner rose to shoot, he fired once, missed, exclaimed, “I think it was a duck!” The tax attorney was next in the shooting lists . . . a bird flew by, he rose, and exclaimed, “A duck . . . er, maybe a goose, er, maybe a turkey, er, maybe a grouse, er, maybe a heron, er, maybe a California condor with Alzheimer’s disease, er, maybe a woodcock” . . . and never got off a shot . . . The litigator was next . . . three birds flew by . . . he rose emptied his magazine -- all 10 rounds (in defiance of the usual game laws he had extended his magazine from three rounds to ten) . . . reloaded and continued to shoot at the two birds lying dead in the water . . . just to make sure they were croaked . . . . He then exclaimed . . . “send that to the Supreme Court .... they'll tell us what they were.” *** After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?" JJJJJ A TRUE STORY FROM THE NEARLY INEXHAUSTABLE FILE OF STORIES RELATED TO THE HONORABLE SAM STREET HUGHES My favorite occurred when I was in his court for the sentencing of one of my recidivist criminal defense clients. After leniency on two earlier convictions, Sam was determined to give my young woman client some "hard time" -- yet he recognized the plight of this young mother with limited skills trying to make her way in a society for which she was ill-prepared by upbringing and education. I had seen the pre-sentence report and the suggestion that my client be sentenced to 3 to 5 years in prison and had prepared her for that sentence from the court. When she was brought before Judge Hughes, he proceeded to lecture her on her need to improve herself and her life opportunities through preparation and education. He told of his own struggle to prepare himself against great odds at Berea College. Black was indeed beautiful, he told her, and he knew a place where she could learn how to care for the beauty and grooming needs not only for herself but for others -- a great school of cosmetology. He told her how after just a couple of years of study and training she could find a job where she could earn her living and contribute much back to society. During his entire discourse, he never once mentioned the words jail, prison or incarceration. In closing, he told her how proud her family would be the day she finished this program and then sentenced her to 3 to 5 years at that school of cosmetology. My client turned to me quietly and said, "Miss Scott, am I going to jail?" When I told her that was where the school was located, she replied. "That old judge, he makes going to jail seem almost like fun!"
AN HONEST HIPAA LAWYER St. Peter was at the Pearly gates processing some new arrivals after the HIPAA meltdown. "So why should I let you in?" St. Peter asked the first one. "I was the CEO of a large hospital. My efforts in raising HIPAA awareness, fighting for budget approval and becoming personally involved in our compliance project, almost saved us from certain collapse. My dedication to the cause is documented in the many reports that . . . ." "Ok, ok that's enough, you can go in." St. Peter said. A second soul approached. "And why should you enter the Pearly gates?" "I was a HIPAA compliance officer. I dedicated the last year of my life working long hours to solve computer problems. My only motivation was a desire to see us through these difficult times, to stamp out this diabolical problem and to make sure we all . . . ." "That will do!" St. Peter called, "Make you way through the gate please." "Now why should I let you in?" St. Peter said to the next person. "I am a HIPAA consultant and lawyer. I hovered over the remnants of the health care industry that were left after the third phase of HIPAA was introduced and then swooped down like a bloodsucking vulture to pick the bones of any defenseless survivors that managed to survive the apocalypse. My only desire was to accumulate as much cash as possible." "Hmmm", Peter thought about this for a while, "Ok, you can go in." An angel watching all this from above flew over to St. Peter. "Hey what did you let him in for?" he asked. St. Peter looked up. "We need to let a few of the honest ones get through too you know." JEANNE SCOTT'S "ORIGINAL" TOP TEN LIST OF THOUGHTS TO HELP GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY 10. One-seventh of your life is spent on a Monday. 9. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 8. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 7. The facts although interesting, are irrelevant. 6. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 5. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 4. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 3. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 2. If you can smile when things go wrong you usually have someone else in mind to blame. 1. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
An attorney was having an affair with his secretary. During one encounter, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and one day the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." The attorney came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti—two with sausage and meatballs, two without." JJJJJ A Presidential Lawyer Joke President Bush had just arrived in Crawford, Texas for his annual 6-week “working” vacation and was really proud to show off the brand new Lexus SUV he had bought for working around the ranch. He had parked it proudly outside the press center and had gone in for a brief meeting with reporters. On coming out, he found to his dismay, that his brand new car had been "bombed" by a flock of pigeons. He muttered, "I really need to do something about those pigeons." Later that afternoon, the President, after having had Andrew Card, wash his Lexus, drove into town to meet Dick Cheney for lunch. The two of them started discussing all of the problems they were having with their Democratic opponents, John Kerry and John Edwards. “They’re both a couple of @#&% lawyers,” said the Vice President, “what do you expect?” After lunch, the President went to get his car, only to see that it was again covered with pigeon droppings. Furious, the President made up his mind; he would get rid of all the pigeons in and around Crawford. He put Attorney General John Ashcroft on to the case. The AG immediately let the word out that the President would be very grateful to anyone who could rid him of the Crawford pigeons. He was soon deluged with a thousand crackpot ideas, all of which he had his staff research and check. After a long day of interviews with people and their crazy ideas, only one man looked promising. The man told Ashcroft, "I will get rid of all the pigeons effectively but under one condition, you must pay one million for ever question you ask." Ashcroft took the man to see the President, who by this time was in the fifth washing of his new Lexus and desperate. The President told the man to just do what he had to do. So the man opened the briefcase and a pink pigeon flew out. The President thought, "What a dumb idea!", but he held back the question on his lips. To his amazement, all the pigeons were shocked at the sight of the pink bird and started to follow it. The pink pigeon flew toward Crawford Lake and dove right in. All the pigeons followed and drowned. The pink pigeon flew out and back into the briefcase. The President was so grateful that he immediately wrote out a check for one million dollars. As the man headed for the door, Dick Cheney, who had witnessed the whole episode, could no longer contain himself. "Can I ask one question for a million dollars? Do you have any pink lawyers?" JJJJJ There once was a lawyer who was very popular, she took cases all over the world. She was very greedy, and realized that if she had a clone made of herself she could make more money. One day she did have the clone made and it was perfect in every way, identical to her except that the clone talked very dirty, cursed, and was very disgusting exposing herself and doing horrible shocking things. The lawyer was distraught, what should she do, how could she explain that she was the clone, the clone was saying the lawyer was the clone? The lawyer was sitting in her office on the 20th floor of her office building when she sees the clone climbing up the side of the building swearing like all get out, mooning the people observing this act of rudeness. The clone starts to open the office window and starts to climb in the lawyer leaps from behind her desk and pushes the clone to the street below. The clone falls to her death. What was the lawyer charged with? MAKING AN OBSCENE CLONE FALL! JJJJJ
Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time. Instead, they would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey. This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.
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